Perfect Love drives out Fear

What a crazy year! Everything out of place, everything disjointed, but how do we get back, how do we rediscover our confidence, how do we set out again. In this amazing testimony, Natalie looks back on this year, and what brought her back to St Joseph’s…

Lockdown 1 began after the last physical Mass at St Joseph’s at St Joseph’s in March 2020; this was to be a Mass of mixed emotions. I looked around and wondered how many of our wonderful parish would survive this cruel virus and how many people I would see again face to face. I was approached after Mass to see if I was willing to become a lead on the Guardian Angel initiative, co-ordinating our parish response to those who needed errands run for them, for food, for prescriptions, etc. Of course, I agreed. At least, I thought, it would keep me occupied whilst we had to shield with our son who has had a transplant.

It was such a joy for me to make contact with the older and more vulnerable of the parish. I got to speak to people who I have never really known despite being part of the parish for such a long time.

Days rolled into weeks and weeks into months. I returned to work in a primary school in September 2020 but, apart from that, my contact with the real world was minimal. I continued to attend Mass online, more frequently than if I had been attending in person. I continued to support people during Mass and also contributed to the Liturgy of the Word Facebook page but I was stuck. Massively stuck! Stuck in a rut of fear and worry. What if I were to return to Mass, what would happen? Would I infect people, passing on germs from my littlies at school? Would I catch something and bring it home? The thoughts went round and round in my mind. Fear and worry, worry and fear.

I attended the Masses when it was my rota to read and read at my last Mass on Boxing Day 2020.

Once again January and Lockdown 3 began. Again we settled into a routine of shielding, remote teaching and . . . That was it. Days were the same, I attended Mass online and again frequently, I joined in with prayer groups, and I began to listen to Fr Mike Schmitz Bible-in-a-Year App. But I began to fall into the same old, same old routine and worse, I began to worry and fear what may happen again.

I kept praying for a message, a piece of inspiration, which would lift me from my worries and the first time was the first Healing Service. I felt a piece of light, the words of Father Philip made me cry and I started to feel better. Although I was attending online most days and praying for guidance, particularly from the Holy Spirit, I was still in a place of fear.

Before I knew it March 2021 was here along with Lent and the approach of the Easter period. I prayed I would build up enough courage to return to church. Despite being at school every day I still found it difficult to make the first step into church. Every time I thought I had the courage to take that journey, I fell at the final hurdle.

Easter came and I spent the period worshipping online, rather like the year before.

Then came the push I needed, the rota for readers email popped into my inbox – right now is the time to be brave and get out there, I thought.

Saturday 22nd May was my first return to church in almost 5 months. I went to confession and then sat quietly on my bench enveloped by the love of the building and all the people in there. It was so beautiful to see people I hadn’t seen for such a long time. I knew I was led here by the Holy Spirit, the feast of Pentecost was upon us and, Boy! was the energy surrounding everyone in church.

Whilst I sat listening to the readings of the day I could feel the warmth around me, I knew the Holy Spirit was guiding me and keeping me safe. I felt overcome with emotion whilst I listened to Fr Phil’s homily – when he asked us to close our eyes I could feel my hands start to burn. I had experienced this feeling once before during an Alpha training course I attended. We had to lay hands on a person and pray to the Holy Spirit – I did this to Sister Mary Julian and she had to ask me to move my hands further away as they were too hot to touch her. I know it was the Holy Spirit that drew me to Mass on Saturday; I know that I was drawn back on the feast of Pentecost to experience the love and power of the Church. I know this because during consecration, as Father was calling down the Holy Spirit, there was definitely a rush of wind, the power of the Spirit was moving among us. It was definite, it was almost tangible and I was in church physically to bear witness to that. I knew it was the right time for me and I thank God for being so patient with me.